Dear Annie: ‘Family taking care of family’ doesn’t mean footing the bills for jewelry and alcohol

DEAR ANNIE: I have complex feelings about my family, which may come across as harsh, but I feel it’s important to explain. They exhibit behaviors that I find troubling, such as a tendency to rely on the more successful members of the family for support without taking accountability for their own circumstances. In their view, refusing to help is seen as a deep disrespect.
My mother and I have worked diligently to achieve our successes, often without support from the family. Despite our requests for help during challenging times, we were met with excuses. Now it seems that my achievements are viewed as a burden, as if I should forgo my success simply because other family members are struggling with self-inflicted challenges.
The expectation that “family takes care of family” can sometimes be taken too far. For example, my brother has asked me to cover the cost of his engagement ring, and my grandmother has insisted that I purchase alcohol for her when she cannot afford it. While I believe in supporting those who face genuine hardship, it is disheartening to see my family ridicule those of us who choose not to enable a cycle of dependency, especially when we are unable to assist.
I have attempted to maintain a relationship with my family that does not revolve around financial support, but this has led to feelings of being an outcast for my success and my refusal to conform to their expectations. This situation has persisted for so long that I have grown weary and indifferent.
Ultimately, I have come to the realization that our relationship is strained. I feel that we do not genuinely like each other. Some days, I accept this reality, while other days, I grapple with feelings of guilt for making my own well-being my top priority. Despite my efforts to distance myself — such as avoiding social media and blocking phone numbers — they still find ways to reach out, often reinforcing their disappointment through veiled comments and negative attitudes.
This ongoing conflict leaves me questioning my decision to step back. Am I in the wrong for prioritizing my own needs? — Conflicted Black Sheep
DEAR CONFLICTED BLACK SHEEP: They probably miss you, which is why they’re trying to get in touch. That doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision, though. You have to make choices that are best for where you are in life right now. Remember, people can change, so it’s good to check in with your family periodically to see if they may be more open to change as well. But you are 100% correct that you don’t have to buy your brother’s engagement ring or booze for your grandma. Those are pretty outrageous requests.
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